


Solitude, Obsession, & Drive

by Kiterie



Series: 100 themes [17]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-03-09
Updated: 2009-03-09
Packaged: 2017-11-27 13:04:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/662306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiterie/pseuds/Kiterie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We all love so the quote is that it's better to have loved and lost.. the question is if you should have told them?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Solitude

"Go away Iruka." Kakashi didn't turn to look at him when he spoke. The sharingan user sat with his back to him and his head on his hand, staring out the window. The recognizable orange book sat on the table beside him unopened next to a congealing plate of food.

"How are you?" the chunin asked, swallowing the nervous feeling welling up inside his throat.

"Don't pretend you care." The tone was icy and Iruka could see the muscles in the cloth covered jaw clenching. "I never should have said anything, I just... never-mind, just go."

He winced at the harshness in the words and wondered what he would see if Kakashi looked at him. "I would still like to be friends, but I understand if that's not possible right now."

"It's not." A pale hand brushed through the spiky silver hair and Iruka watched the motion hypnotized. "Not ever again."

"If you change your mind... uhm..." His voice shook and he let the words trailed off, afraid if he finished the sentence he'd lose his composure.

" _That_ is as unlikely as you changing yours." There was no anger in the words, only resolve and that hurt more.

The silence that followed seemed to be swallowing them both up and Iruka shifted unsure of what to say. He was losing his best friend and he knew it, but he had no idea what to do about it. It hurt worse than Mizuki's betrayal but this time he had no one to blame except himself. "I wish it was that simple..."

"Just go, leave me to my solitude. I was better off in it." The words were barely louder than a whisper yet strangely deafening at the same time and his footsteps echoed loudly as he turned and walked away.


	2. Obsession

It was in the way the man looked at him, it was like being burned up from the inside out. He wasn't even sure how the other managed it when most of his face was covered, but the intensity was not lost. If anything, it served to amplify the feeling that the copy-nin's full attention was on him and him alone.

Iruka set the mission report aside and smiled at the shinobi who'd just handed it to him. "Thank you for your hard work," he said, his voice lacking the usual enthusiasm even to his own ears.

"Are you okay Iruka-san?" Aoba asked, looking genuinely concerned.

"I..." he started then sighed and nodded, not completely sure what he wanted to say and afraid his thoughts might actually slip out. _'My best friend hates me because he said he loved me and I...'_ Iruka's heart twisted at the memory and he forced himself to smile so it wouldn't show on his face. "I'm fine, thank you for the concern, Aoba-san." The words were forced out and sounded flat even to his own ears.

"If you say so Iruka-san..." The expression on Aoba's face was both sympathetic and unbelieving, but the man nodded once and then left without further questioning the chunin.

Watching the room clear out, Iruka wondered when Kakashi would turn in his mission report, but as the minutes ticked by the man didn't move. Kotetsu and Izumo ducked out to get some coffee and drop the reports off in the filing room, leaving the room empty save for them and still Kakashi didn't do more than turn the page in his novel.

"Can I help you Kakashi... san." The honorific sounded awkward now that he'd gotten used to not saying it when they were by themselves, and it seemed to echo in the deadening silence of the mission room.

Kakashi looked up at the words, and Iruka had a very brief moment where he thought for sure the man would say something, that things would go back to the way they had been and they could move past the uncomfortable silence.

"Hn..." And then the moment was over and Kakashi glared at him before looking back at his book.

Iruka swallowed down the sudden wave of sadness that filled him. The emotion was quickly replaced with anger and he slammed his hands down on the table, standing in the same moment, and glaring back at the jounin. "Why'd you bother coming down here if you weren't going to turn it in?" Iruka yelled the question, not really expecting an answer.

"Because I wanted to see you," Kakashi said not looking up, the words spoken so softly Iruka wasn't even sure he heard them right. The jounin's hand rose while Iruka stood gaping in surprise and then he was gone in a puff of smoke, the report fluttering to the ground with the leaves.

Iruka stood there staring and unable to move for several moments until Kotetsu and Izumo came back, their appearance knocking him out of his shock, he moved to pick up the report and file it.

_'Thank you for you hard work... Kakashi.'_


	3. Drive

He'd been waiting at the gate every evening since he'd learned Kakashi had been sent out again. Genma had made an off hand remark about it when he'd been dropping off a report a couple days after Iruka had spoken to Kakashi in the mission room.

It hadn't surprised him but when he'd realized Kakashi had left that same night, hadn't gotten the mission from him, he realized the significance of the man's presence there that night. The realization that even after everything _he_ was the last thing Kakashi had wanted was to see before his mission, struck him hard. The fear that his irritation would be the last thing the man remembered had him standing at the gate silently trying to make the jounin appear.

Then when he finally stumbled in, looking exhausted Iruka couldn't move. Kakashi tensed the moment he noticed him and it surprised him when the silver-haired man walked over and stood in front of him, seemingly expecting some kind of explanation.

Iruka stared at the ground, not able to bring himself to actually face Kakashi, ashamed of his own cowardice. "I didn't want to lose you..." His voice shook, the relief that the other was okay finally hitting him.

"You can't have this both ways, Iruka. You said you don't want more..." Kakashi paused, sighed, and then reached out and lifted Iruka's chin, forcing the chunin to look at him. "...well I don't want less."

The expression on Kakashi's face made it impossible for Iruka to look away. It wasn't because the man had lowered his mask, he'd done the same thing when he'd told Iruka how he felt, it'd been a shock then, now he'd expected it. But the sadness etched in the man's visible eye made the hopeful smile appear nearly broken, and Iruka swallowed unable to look away. "It might not work and then we wouldn't have anything." The words fell from his mouth without being called.

Kakashi breathed a visible sigh of relief. "Heh... seems neither one of us is very good at driving the other away so I think you're wrong there."

"Let's hope so..." Iruka said, offering the man a weak smile.

"No..." Kakashi whispered, stepping closer and pulling the chunin into his arms. "Let's hope we never have to find out."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hadn't read this in years (I don't really reread my stuff much after they're done) and it made me all teary.


End file.
